I’ve always had a problem with being judgmental. The only time I didn’t was three or four years ago when I went through about a two-year period of deconstruction.
Yeah, I always thought the word referred to tearing down a building, too. But somewhere along the way, someone decided it would be a cool word to use for the process of someone seriously and systematically questioning their spiritual beliefs. And when that happens, a person is open to almost anything. It’s easy to drop their judgmental ways.
And that’s what happened to me.
But then I reconstructed, and found that the process left most of my previous beliefs about God intact. And, WHOOSH! Back came the judgmentalism, because despite my beliefs, I hadn’t wholly given myself back to the Lord. Had kept as many of my fleshly habits and mindsets as I had of my spiritual ones.
That changed recently after I read (wait for it, wait for it) A Year Of Living Prayerfully. I got hungrier for God than I’ve been since the first time He knocked me down with His power twenty-six years ago. I’ve begun spending a lot more time in His presence, and so have regained that sensitivity to His leadings and inner nudges that I’d left at the curb years ago in favor of chasing mammon (though I certainly wouldn’t have admitted that until around a month ago; self-deception is the worst deception).
As the sensitivity as re-blossomed inside me, I’ve begun to see the truth about how much I’ve been living in the flesh. And one of the most painful parts is my judgmental tendencies. Most of it has stayed in my head; much of it has come out of my mouth in the form of soap-box lectures to my husband; some of it has leaked out into the blogs I’ve had over the years.
It almost happened yesterday. I had a revelation about a certain eveny that happened centuries ago, and wanted to share my genius insight with the world. I began to type out my theory. The more I typed, the more I had the feeling of walking through wet clay wearing a pair of wooden boots.
Initially, I brushed off the feeling as my own reluctance, either to stick my neck out or to actually do the work of writing. But it got stronger.
I set the article aside for awhile, thought about my theory and what I’d been writing.
And the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head. With conviction. He convicted me that number one, I was putting myself – yet again – on the throne of God. And number two, that I couldn’t possibly have the whole truth about the situation, if any, and thus had no business propagating my opinion about it online. Number three, that what I was writing was going to potentially insult at least two different Christian groups.
So, around two-thirds of the way through the article, I quit writing it. And instantly felt a release. A sense of God’s approval.
So you’re getting this article, instead. A confession of my sin of trying to play God. And an apology, for any complaints I may have made either out loud or in my spirit during the past few years about my readers, and for anything I may have ever written that resulted from my judging other people unfairly and/or my tired, self-righteous opinions.