Yesterday, when I wrote this blog post, I was on top of the world. I had tons of energy and felt like I could do anything. I thought, “Finally! That miserable pessimism and feeling of worthlessness is gone. I’ll finally be able to be consistent with my online creativity.”
Well. That lasted all of twelve hours. Then it all came crashing down.
It all ended when…
…I majorly messed up in trying to upload a video onto my new personal finance YouTube channel shortly before bed.
But even a couple of hours earlier, I’d started to get frustrated with the realization that yes, indeed, Irlen syndrome does get worse as one ages, and that I can’t write, create pins for blog posts, and edit videos all in one day. [Insert your favorite curse word here.]
Then the losing a video thing happened, and I was so upset I refused my husband our ritual bedtime snuggle. Life wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t upload videos when I wanted, if I couldn’t write or be on the computer as much as I wanted.
Then I woke up…
…in an equally sour mood, having let demons whisper all kinds of lies in my head during the wee smalls of the morning. After getting out of bed, I lay into poor J for this, that, and the other, culminating my rant by telling him…well, that one’s too personal. None of your business.
Let’s just say that before it came out of my mouth, I knew it would cut him. But I let it come out anyway.
I cried and had a pity party. Threw a silent tantrum at God.
…I played my guitar and sang a couple of hymns. That was it. Singing to the Lord was the cure for what ailed me. It usually is. Something I should remember more often.
After I put up my guitar, I went to my computer and decided to upload what I thought was an older, different version of the introductory video I’d tried to upload last night.
You’ll never guess what I discovered.
The video that I uploaded this morning was actually the one I’d wanted to upload. The other one, the one I’d tried to upload last night but lost when I hit the wrong keys, had been the original, unedited video, I figured out after wracking my brain.
So of course, I felt even better. And much chagrined.
J came in shortly after, and I threw myself at him, apologizing profusely. I told him I thought I was over this mood swing stuff.
Dumb, because I’ve read about women still having hot flashes ten years after going through menopause, and other symptoms several years after.
Two lessons learned.
First, I must call every negative thought captivity the instant it comes into my head. Tell the demons to go to the Pit where they belong, if need be. Because sometimes, negative thoughts come from outside. And if a lack of serotonin in your brain is already making you feel less-than, those outside evil thoughts will drag your mind all the way down into the hot middle of the earth.
Second, I must remember I’m not out of the low-estrogen-symptom boat yet. And give myself grace, and not take my misery out on my loved ones.