I blew it.
Actually, I’ve been blowing it for a couple of months now.
Remember this post, where I said I wasn’t going to stop “practicing the presence of God”?
Yeah. That lasted a long time.
See? Sarcasm! You can tell I haven’t been walking in His presence when sarcasm comes out.
It wasn’t too long after publishing that blog post that I slipped back into my old habits of thinking. Those being, mainly, continually having imaginary conversations with various people – not God – about my opinions about things that have happened, and what I hope might happen in the future.
I quit living in the moment, where God and His grace are present. As a result, my thoughts began focusing on the negative again, my anxiety levels rose, and I was no longer in tune to the still, small Voice, the gentle internal nudges which the Holy Spirit uses to show me which way to go, which way to think.
And it blew up in my face.
The day before yesterday, I encountered an article online related to the experimental genetic therapy shot that everyone is being encouraged to take to protect them from COVid19.
I’m not calling it a vaccine because it’s not. Do your research. It’s nothing like a traditional vaccine. It’s already been discovered to be highly dangerous, at least in the short term. In the long term? Who knows?
I’d better stop before I get off on a different track.
Anyway, the article revealed a new kind of danger related to the shot. If the information was accurate, my life would be ruined. J could go to Walmart one day to go grocery shopping, and, despite his best efforts not to be touched or breathed upon, come home infected, and we could all end up with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s or dead on the floor of heart attacks.
At the very least, I was never going to be able to see my family face-to-face again.
Darkness fell over me, and I got angry. And afraid.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt the intensity of fear that I felt that day. I think I finally experienced the fear everybody else has been feeling over the virus. But it wasn’t the virus ruining my life, it was the shot. And everyone who had received it.
I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I wanted to die. Life could not be worth living if I could never go out in public again. And I wouldn’t, if I was going to risk my well-being, and possibly my life, every time I did.
I spewed negativity all over our house, upset my husband, and got totally ticked at our son who, having inherited his father’s level head and logical way of thinking, told me not to believe everything I read on the Internet.
Throwing my words of wisdom, which I’d shared with him several years ago when he was watching a lot of misinforming sensationalist videos, back into my face.
The next day…
My main problem was not knowing. How true was this information? The source seemed trustworthy, the website appeared reputable. Yet there were others claiming that the phenomenon that I feared wasn’t even possible, that it was all an invention via anti-vaxxers on social media.
Long story short, I found out who had invented the technology that the shot is based around, and sent him an e-mail. Could this happen?, was my question. If anyone knew the truth, it would be Robert Malone, M.D.
His response? “Highly unlikely to be clinically significant.” Meaning, could be happening to a few people, here and there, but worrying about it would be akin to worrying that lightning would strike you on a sunny, cloudless day; or that an earthquake would suck you into the depths of the earth without warning…while you stood somewhere where fault lines are practically nonexistent.
I began to breathe easier. My life was not in shambles. I hadn’t brought a child into the world only to have him significantly risk dying early every time he encountered someone outside our little bubble.
But, did I really need to hear it from the doctor?
Robert Malone was kind to reply to my e-mail, and with great speed. But by the time I’d begun contemplating asking the question, I’d already realized what had happened.
I’d quit living in the moment. Hadn’t been practicing the presence of God, and so my mind was free to fly into the future.
A fearful future, not a good one.
This gut-wrenching event revealed that not only had I stopped practicing His presence – and the pain that comes from doing so – but also that I’d failed to trust Him.
I’d re-clothed myself with my Self, which I’d attempted to shed this past winter. And so, full of pride, I couldn’t see anything but a life of desolation and misery because I couldn’t do anything about the problem.
Of course I couldn’t. It was completely out of my hands.
Like ninety percent of everything.
How it should have gone down.
If I’d been walking in the Spirit…well, I probably wouldn’t have even done the research that I did, and thus never would have seen that frightening article.
But say, for some reason, the Lord led me to that article. Upon reading it, I would have not experienced any emotions around it. Calmly, my heart full of trust, I would have sat back and thought, “Lord?”
And I would have waited for an inner sign, either a deep sense of peace letting me know that I had nothing to worry about, or a gentle stirring of an idea of what action to take next.
I would not have freaked out. I would not have let the enemy taken a foothold in my mind. I would not have disturbed the peace in my home.
I would not have wished that I’d never been born.
I have so far to go on this journey with Yeshua. *Heavy sigh.* But I’m making a better attempt at living in the moment, keeping my mind stayed on Him. Because I don’t like life when I’m trusting in my Self.
PS – Should you decide to leave a comment, please refrain from saying anything controversial. I will not approve any such comments, as they miss the entire point of the above article.