≡ Menu

How To K*i_ll Yourself With A Smoothie

All three of us have two smoothies a day, one for breakfast and one in the afternoon. Unless it’s super-duper cold (like it was a few days this past winter), I keep the Vitamix base in the Tuff Shed and walk back and forth from the shed to the house to blend the smoothies. The reason is that this high-powered blend is loud. I’m talking, loud. Like Steven Tyler singing “Dream On” loud.

Only not quite that ear-splitting.

But I digress. Making two smoothies a day has been the routine for almost two years, so you’d think I’d have it down by now. You’d think I’d be on autopilot as I put the individual ingredients together to make the divine concoctions.

Yesterday, though, I forgot to put the vanilla powder in my strawberry smoothie. I don’t always need vanilla, but sometimes the frozen strawberries are obviously harvested before turning completely ripe which ends up making the smoothie taste more sour than I like. Adding a half teaspoon of vanilla increases the sweetness.

But I forgot yesterday. In a hurry, I suppose. Had to get ready for that hot date. Or make it back to work on time.

Oh, wait, that’s somebody else.

So anyway, there I was, in the Tuff Shed, already blending my smoothie, when I realized I’d left out the vanilla powder. No problem; I’ll just mix it in when I get back into the house. And I did. After pouring my smoothie into a jar, I added the vanilla powder and stirred it up with a spoon. But it didn’t really mix in. Instead, it formed clumps.

Now, why I didn’t put the lid on the jar right then and there and shake everything up well, the world will never know. Nor did I try to break it up with a fork. Instead, I sighed, resigned to consuming a tart smoothie.

I was probably three spoonfuls in when I realized my folly. I shoved the next spoonful into my mouth, began to swallow, and –

COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH! COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH!

You would’ve thought a marble was lodged in my throat by the way I was carrying on. But I almost couldn’t breathe.

COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH! COUGH COUGH – HEAVE – COUGH COUGH COUGH!

I was so thrilled my gag reflex forgot to work and I didn’t puke my guts out. BUT…for about two minutes, I thought I was going to die. Seriously.

I either inhaled an itty bit of the vanilla powder when I took that last spoonful, or the clump landed at the back of my throat and refused to go down. Whatever the cause, I coughed long and loud. Had to go outside to “hock-ptooey” the mucous that was forming at the back of my throat quickly and furiously.

And yes, I did try drinking water. It was no help.

J got worried, and ran outside next to me. “What happened?”

COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH! “I-“ COUGH COUGH “…inhaled-“ COUGH COUGH COUGH “…some va-“ COUGH COUGH COUGH “…vanilla powder.” COUGH COUGH!

I knew at that moment I was going to live. I could breathe enough to spit out words. When my system finally calmed down, I went back inside, put the stupid lid on the stupid jar, and shook the contents up. Lid off, and…voila! Vanilla powder all mixed in.

Duh.

Well, there you have it, folks. Today’s Helpful Tip. How to k*i_ll yourself with a smoothie. No need to add poison. No need to make a two-gallon, 10,000 calorie beverage and drink it as fast as you can until you stomach explodes.

No. Just add vanilla powder and mix it in with a spoon. Make sure it doesn’t actually get mixed in, then drink a bit of it down and do what Bill Clinton claims he didn’t do – inhale.

Please follow and like us:

Comments on this entry are closed.

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)